Halfway

I have just realized that I am halfway through law school. Yep. It seems like yesterday that I started this blog, studying for the LSAT and doing the prep work I thought was necessary. Gosh time really does go faster as we age.

There isn't much about me that remains exactly the same - and there isn't much that has changed much. For example, I have changed many of my political views over the past two years or so - but that seems mainly to do with following who I actually am inside instead of allowing others (my dad, my husband, my friends, etc) to influence what I think is right. Also, my hair and clothes and the way I carry myself all seem quite different - but my unending struggle with my body image remains.

I thought, coming into law school, that things were about to change in a big, positive way, and they have. But the things that hurt me before - depression, relationship issues, self-esteem issues - those all remain. The desire to change the world, it's there too, and despite what seems to be quite common among law students (a general apathy and a loss of that particular focus that brought us to school), I still see very big potential in my ability to make a real difference.

Law school, for me, has mainly been positive, despite what feels like endless moaning in this forum. Who I am is defined more in my own mind now - not by law school but by forcing myself to do this thing I have dreamed of. Just this one time, I did something I wanted to do, and from start to finish I have done it without help. That sounds very - wrong - to my own ears - because I am very accustomed to constantly degrading my own efforts and giving others credit. But in this case, there is no way to do that, which as it turns out, may be a really good thing for me. I am learning to take credit.

So, today, still in midst of a very low place in my own head, I am taking some stock, gearing up for the final half of this battle. Looking back to the me that began this blog - the place I was coming from back then was also dark, darker than this one and brought on not by chemicals inside my brain but by my own stupid, stupid actions - I stand in awe. Of me. That I kept going, if nothing else.

And this too shall pass.