Forgot I was someone for awhile

It happens alot, actually.

I get consumed with Life. You know, kids, jobs, stuff that is so far out of my control that it doesn't bear repeating (again. because i have repeated it alot). I forget, a) I have a reason for being where I am both in life and in school and b) I don't get a say in the way others see me.

That's cryptic. As usual. I know. Sorry.

But, I suppose it goes right along the lines most women walk - always looking around to find out who's trashing them, snarling at them, disapproving, maybe even jealous - and living life by that standard instead of checking the mirror - the one in front of us, not the rearview.

Ladies, the rearview is pretty much always littered with big asses, ourselves being big asses, and well, asses we wish we had been. Oh, and sometimes good stuff is back there, but since it's back there, we get hung up on it and wanting it back and what have you.

Anyway, big tangent. I was thinking today. I am someone, right now. Not what I see reflected in the eyes of other people (good or bad because for the record there are some people who think I am ok in real life, they just don't get much air time because - see above - the tendency is to focus on the ones who don't). Who I am today right now this moment is ok, and worthy of a head held high.

I bet you are too.

Pancakes and porcupines

Today's breakfast is a huge stack of pancakes, just the way I like them, made by Social Daughter. I love breakfast and eat a real one so rarely now. This is nice.

Unfortunately I feel porcupiney today. You know the feeling. Prickly and just on the edge of grumpy? Last night's stuck in the restroom incident was more fun than this feeling. I'm starting to think that days "off" are not always really good for me or my moods; I have noticed when I don't exercise I am antsy and porcupiney all day. Addiction? Very likely.

Probably will have some friends over today. This is becoming very standard now that my kids are aging out of the babyhood. Social Daughter leads the pack with constant visitors, but not far behind are Ragamuffin and Nature Child. They usually bring a single extra child in to play with together. Eldest is the hold out. She goes in spurts, and her "playdates" (surprise, she doesn't enjoy having them called playdates at fifteen) are more planned and involve actual activites like swimming and plays and bike rides.

Gotta lose the pricklies to have all these extra kids around.

What would happen if I just ate pancakes and drank soda all day?

Pantyliner lady. That's me.

I am a little on the crazy/oblivious/close the edge of socially acceptible.

But today I may have reached yet another new low.

Not sure but I think I may possibly have gone into the grocery store with my mp3 player playing, my sunglasses on, and a pantiliner stuck to the back of my leg.

Yes.

I did.

Discovered it AFTER I came out, humming along to music, and hopped in my car. And felt a weird crunch under my thigh.

I can't say exactly how this happened, or yeah, ok, I can. I went for a run EARLY this morning, went to the grocery store all sweaty and nasty with my mp3 still on and sunglasses too (you know, if I have on sunglasses, no one will recognize me looking so skanky). Best I can figure, the sweat combined with my slightly too short for public consumption shorts worked together to release the pantyliner (always wear one when running. i've have kids - duh!).

So, this was a slightly used, very sweaty, sticking to the back of my thigh hot mess.

But, on the plus side, I did have the good sense to go to a grocery store that I don't ALWAYS go to. And it was seven in the morning and not busy.

Still. I am crazy. The crazy pantyliner lady, that's what they will call me. Probably on my grave even.

Damn. Even I am laughing at me.

Talking is overrated

I am typing this from Saturday school where a retired judge is going on. And on. And on. ABOUT lawyers going on and on and on.

Yep.

Law school = irony.

stumped

when did I become the one in the mom swimsuit?

also, when did i start liking things like orange slice candy, guacamole, and wine?

why do my triceps jiggle now?

how can my child be taller than me?

what will be next? mom jeans? denim vests? perms????

Finding Zone Four

Did some cardio today. Well, I do cardio most days, I guess, kinda. Running is cardio, right?

But I don't usually pay any attention to the "zones" per se, I usually just run at whatever level my body feels like, for that day.

Yeah, well, see below for why that wasn't enough to distract me. Add below PLUS I lightly sprained my ankle yesterday (falling off my own non-heeled shoe. Yes. My grace is abundant.). Today I did a different form of exercise - a class - and there was a whole bunch of yelling/exhorting re: the "zones."

Zones, and heart rate monitors, and "feel ninety." I don't know about anyone reading this, but I don't need help feeling ninety. I work out to NOT feel ninety.

So I guess I need to find zone four to be a successful interval exerciser. F--- me. I always thought, work up a sweat, stay in the sweaty mode for oh, thirty, forty, ninety minutes, depending on the day, and I'm good. I haven't got the least interest in wearing a monitor - mainly because I am slightly obsessive (this surely isn't news?) and would become all about the monitor and none about the supposed joy of exercise.

There were charts, and I have seen those before, that told me what these zones were, but it all seems so - chipper, and routinized, and you know - how do you KNOW that because I am thirty, or forty, or 90, I need to get my heart to that level? If I smoke two packs a day, I'm thinking you may be a tad off, and if I do other exercise and have for a long time, you could be off that way too.

So, I guess I won't even know zone four if I find it. And I'm not sure what to do with it, if I do.

Mama needs a new pair of shoes

....and a new left big toe, also. I stubbed my toe SO hard the other night, and then like the fool that I am for cute shoes, wore admittedly adorable but also uncomfortable high heels to work; the result? A black toenail and an excrutiatingly sore toe.

This may not seem strange, or at very least, probably seems like a duh, you deserve that, but ladies and gentleman, I am a runner. So, this complicates my daily life in ways I don't like to mention. But I will. Bloody socks, every day, which I have to pull off my feet with a great deal of pain. Runs that HURT like a mother....otter. And a limp, while running, that makes me feel like a very strange sight (because I am a strange sight) as well as a greatly slowed pace.

And don't tell me to stop running till it heals. I can't. Or won't.

Damn it, the worst part is, runners are supposed to get black toenails and injuries from RUNNING. I got mine from bad eyesight/drinks with dinner/poor bathroom location skills.

I suck.

But. The upshot is - when the bleeding and pain and etc stop, I have an excuse for new running shoes - because these are definitely getting shot, what with being close to the end of their mileage AND now being filled with blood stains.

Yeah. This is a gross post all around.