Stalking

I got a stalking order on Monday. The man I got it against is someone I was once involved with, but that was three years ago. It ended badly, and I have had lingering sadness and regret about how things went back then, so I understand how it still affects him. However, I was shocked, and confused, to hear through the police that according to this man, he felt justified in following me (in his car. while i was on foot. several times. and to a race where my daughter and i were, far away, where he stood, stared, watched us, paced - and then left??) - anyway, he apparently feels that I should not be in the areas I am in. Near his work (note - I didn't actually know where he worked, since we are obviously no longer friends; also, now that I do know, I can safely say the closest I get to that business is a mile away, and this is all in the area of a major major intersection in our town - you know, the WalMart, grocery store, shoe store, McDonald's, Wild Oats, gas station, bookstore intersection). That was my foul apparently -

I feel rather vindicated that a judge agreed with me -- I was actually afraid I would not be able to get help here. But, on a bad note, he was served at work, and the sheriff had to read the order out loud to him. I didn't really want that, since I find that humiliating. I suppose he brought it on himself, but I can only hope that he realizes now that I really did mean it. I really do not want to be followed. Not on foot, not in a car, not in a boat, not from afar. I really did try to give him an opportunity to explain, or quit, or even to spew anger at me, but it came to this.

And still I am hunkered down, a bit afraid to run my usual routes, a bit afraid to even leave my house.

Right up until I went to the courthouse I didn't think this person would hurt me, but reading his police report info, and then talking to the cops, I am not sure. I am pretty scared now. Because a person who thinks I "deserve" to be followed is scary, and as the cop said, for every time I SAW him, there were very like two or three others that he was there and I didn't notice.

I am shivering a little right now.

The worst part is, this is someone I knew, loved, was involved with. How did this happen?

Do I attract insanity? Or is it me who is crazy?

MPRE and restraining order...

I took the MPRE yesterday. Blah to that.

And, I am going to have to get a restraining order against a man who has been following me around. An ex, in a way. Not MY ex - as in the man I married. Just another guy from long ago who suddenly feels it is ok to follow me in his car. While I am on foot running.

FML. I feel like things cannot get worse and then. They do.

I ran a trail race today

And it was fun. Some weird things occurred, including running into (haha no pun intended) a kind of ex there, but otherwise, it was good to try something new. I didn't run fast - wasn't the goal - but I did overcome a fear of killing myself. You see, I am a country girl from way way back, turned urban dependent creature of habit. I used to "trail run" all the damn time with my brother and a couple dogs, and over the creeks and through the woods to grandma's house we would go, often all day long. But now that I am older, I am not as easily swayed to jump logs, throw myself into water, and so forth -especially in a frost and rain slicked unfamiliar lake woods.

Today, I took a hit for woman kind and overcame that steadily growing feeling that all the new things have been done, or are not as good as they appear in their idea formats.

Yay me!

Senior pictures

Really?

Law school graduation pictures are called senior pictures???

Does Aunt Flo make you do weird things?

OK, yeah, we all know about PMS and its evil twin PMDD. I am not talking about those. I don't think.

But the week before Aunt Flo comes to visit - what the heck that is a stupid phrase. The week before my period, I get kinda odd. Productive. Working harder. Organizing. I feel huge need to do things like air out blankets, rearrange cupboards, make menu plans, and write papers. I also do not want to be around people. At all.

So this is my first period of single momhood. What an odd person I am to even note this, right? But, I noticed this month I was actually HAPPY during PMS time, because while I don't normally have a ton of moodiness, at least now I could cry or whatever without getting a) hit, b) yelled at or c) "outdone" by my ex (almost ex? gonna be ex? How do we refer to a guy I am still married to but have no intentions of staying so?).

I got a shit ton of work done, both for school and around the house. I didn't have to pay for my efforts with scrutiny of my checkbook, criticism of how I did things, or guilt of any kind.

The only bad news is, while I was aware it was nearly period time, I stupidly forgot to PREPARE for such an event, and the floodgates broke while I was running. I was three miles out on a six mile run. So, as you can imagine, I made myself quite messy getting home.

Let's review.

I do some stupid things.

But it's so much better, now, feeling like I am in this alone with the kids. Anyone willing to admit the same, after a breakup?

Putting life back in order

The past three weeks have been crazy, with my spouse moving out in the midst of what can only be described as a long long abusive episode.

Now I am left picking up the pieces and putting things in order so that the kids and I go forward with some stability.

I am so tired.

Update

He's out.

The kids and I are adjusting.

I feel bad - because all I want is clear of it.